


i can't say

by rivernyx



Series: you, me, the world (soulmate au) [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 03:19:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11637858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivernyx/pseuds/rivernyx
Summary: In which Sanghyuk is in love with Hakyeon--but everything is in black and white.





	i can't say

Sanghyuk can feel his heart drumming against his chest. Hard, wild, desperate.

And Hakyeon-hyung-- his best friend, his senior, his roommate, the love of his life- is way too fucking close.

He should've thought of all the consequences. Should've thought this through, but no. He was shit at Physics and Hakyeon-hyung was good at it and he saw the possibility and jumped.

So now Hakyeon is beside him as they share what little space Sanghyuk's desk has to give, sides pressed, Hakyeon's arm around Sanghyuk's shoulder as he ppints out things the latter doesn't understand and fuck

Sanghyuk can feel his hyung's breath on his cheek. His warm, warm cheek.

And God, he is so in love.

But Hakyeon doesn't notice the blush rising on his cheeks, and if he does, Sanghyuk'll brush it off on lightning, and it's not like Hakyeon can back it up, say he's so fucking red because--

Because he can't see the blush.

Everything's black and white and gray for both of them, after all.

"-You listening?" Hakyeon says and Sanghyuk jumps, just a little.

"-Er," he stammers, and Hakyeon sighs.

"You won't be able to pass like this!" he chides and Sanghyuk looks down guiltily. Hakyeon sighs again and even shakes his head this time, before he seemingly comes to a decision.

"Food break?" he caves with a soft smile, and Sanghyuk beams.

Hakyeon retreats to the kitchen to get food- "No, you stay here Hyukkie, and review,"- and Sanghyuk reluctantly grazes his eyes over the pages. He just finds it all- so disinteresting. And so... foreign.

Almost like a different language.

He tries to memorize the quadratic equations for the umpteenth time and fails, and just decides to create his own alphabet to encode the formulas in, write it on his wrist like Mulan did...

Hakyeon comes back with two cans of pepsi and a big bag of chips. He sets them on top of the desk and says, "That's what you get for not paying attention in class."

Sanghyuk blows a raspberry, but he doesn't quite look in Hakyeon's direction yet. He closes his eyes and wishes-- like it'll do him any good-- that the Universe just fucked up this one time. Maybe they just had a delayed reaction and really are soulmates.

"Hyukkie?" Hakyeon says, and oh God how Sanghyuk wishes-

He turns to look at Hakyeon, and he doesn't expect the cold, bitter disappointment when he sees black and white.

They aren't soulmates, he's known this since day one.

So why, why, why does he feel disappointed?

*

\--Well, for starters, there's the fact that there's something that actually gives Sanghyuk hope.

He found it one day, browsing the internet and asking Google things like:  _I'm in love but he's not my soulmate._

Then he saw it.

The blog.

It was ran by a couple, and they weren't soulmates, and everything they saw was black and white.

And they inspire Hyuk. Because they don't let the universe repress them, don't let anything stand between them.

He scrolls down to see what he's missed: a few pictures of the view from their recent trip, selcas littered here and there. Answering some fan questions.

And a post.

_The suicide rates have gone up recently, and a lot of it is because some people fall in (unrequited) love with someone who isn't their soulmate._

_And-- while we may be very lucky-- our happiness has a price as well. For all we know,_ our _soulmates could be one of the hundreds who died earlier this year. We feel-- we feel so very guilty._

 _Please, if you're suffering from this situation,_ talk to someone. _Don't throw your life away._

_A lot of things are possible. Make use of that potential._

_If not for yourself, do it for us, for the people that love you and ypu will affect. For your soulmate-- somewhete in the world. Don't deprive them and yourself that- that possibility._

_We want everyone to be happy, and this is one step closer to that goal._

_If you don't think you have anyone to talk to, Hongbin and I are always here._

_-ravi_

Sanghyuk finds the cursor hovering over the  _message us!_  button at the top right of the screen and the  _Share your thoughts!_ one right next to him that leads to a message board. He contemplates, for a few moments, then just as he clicks-

-the door opens-

-and Sanghyuk clicks the close button instead.

Hakyeon comes in with Jaehwan- who's a year younger than Hakyeon and a year older than Sanghyuk- carrying groceries. He smiles sweetly at Sanghyuk, who smiles back, but his stomach suddenly feels like it's full of lead.

And his heart feels like a typhoon beating down on tin roofs.

"Hey!" Jaehwan grins, before catching Sanghyuk hurriedly closing his laptop, "Now, what are you hiding in there?" His voice lowers, taking on a playfully chiding turn, "You're too young for porn, you know."

"Ew!" Sanghyuk snaps, "You're disgusting!"

Jaehwan just grins, "Just make sure you've cleared your browser history."

Sanghyuk repeats, "Disgusting!" with his face embarassingly red, and Hakyeon promptly neckchops Jaehwan.

"Don't be a pervert," Hakyeon says sternly, and Jaehwan laughs.

They sit on the floor and play board games and watch movies. Jaehwan does aegyo, Hakyeon makes sure everything is PG-13 because  _Jaehwan, Hyukkie is a child and we don't corrupt children_ and Sanghyuk mostly finds himself red in the face.

Somehow, their conversation drifts toward the subject of love.

"What'll you do," Jaehwan says, "when you find your soulmate?"

Hakyeon, always the romantic, says it'll be love at first sight, says his soulmate will be annoyed at him at first but Hakyeon'll grow on then.

Jaehwan says he'd stare at them for quite a few moments, says they might stare at each other. Then he'll introduce himself, duh, and win them over with aegyo and bad jokes.

They turn to Sanghyuk and he says, "I don't know."

But he thinks,  _I don't care._

 _I don't_ need  _a_   _soulmate._

_Not when there's you._

Both of his companions raise an eyebrow at that and Sanghyuk shrugs. His gaze flits to Jaehwan to Hakyeon to Jaehwan.

Then back to Hakyeon.

And he kind of doesn't want to look away.

So he doesn't.

And one second passes.

Two.

Three-

Then, Jaehwan says, "Snacks!"

They'd brought cupcakes and bottled iced tea and potato chips galore. Sanghyuk's drinking a little too fast, stuffing a little too much in his mouth. And Hakyeon says, "No, Sanghyuk, you're gonna choke," and then "Are you feeling okay?"

And Sanghyuk says "Yes." And the only thing he can think about his Hakyeon. His eyes, his hair, his smile- everything Hakyeon.

"Sanghyuk,"

"I'm fine, hyung," his stomach feels a little fluttery, with the way Hakyeon looks at him: eyes narrowed and lips downturned and  _worried_.

Jaehwan cuts in.

"The food is getting staler by the second," he says, "And the iced tea isn't cold anymore. Come on, you two!"

*

Before he'd met Hakyeon, there had been a time when he would dream about his soulmate; someone to rescue him from his dreary everyday life, someone to paint the grays of his world with vibrant hues. Now-

Now he just wishes for Hakyeon, gray as the world may be, to lean down and smile and kiss him. Wishes that the colors would eventually come with time, that he and Hakyeon are soulmates after all.

Wishes, wishes, wishes.

"Han Sanghyuk, it is a bright and beautiful day! Get out of bed and go get some Vitamin D!"

The curtains are suddenly thrown aside, and it's all so white everywhere-

"Hyung!" he whines, pulling the blanket over his head.

"Oh no you don't!"

In one swift motion, Hakyeon tears the blanket out of Sanghyuk's hold, which ends with him unceremoniously falling off the bed.

"It's a  _Saturday_!" Sanghyuk complains, "Can I  _not_  sleep in?"

"Your fault you stayed up last night."

Sanghyuk makes a face.

"'Was studyin'. Like you told me to?"

"I told you to study, not exhaust yourself." Hakyeon sighs.

"Same thing,"

Halyeon drags him all the way to the kitchen as he moans out half-assed protests and takes comfort in the warm ring of Hakyeon's hands around his wrists and he bumps into something, and it fucking  _hurts._

 _"_ Okay, alright, lemme go! I can walk by myself!"

Hakyeon gently sets him on the floor, and he's such a fucking  _angel_  when he isn't being so stubborn-

He smells chocolate pancakes.

"What, did you cook and not burn the kitchen down?" Sanghyuk asks, grinning.

"Respect!" Hakyeon says, seemingly appalled, but he's grinning, "And speak for yourself!"

It all comes so naturally- feels so normal, their banter. And it it feels like something special, but it shouldn't. Hakyeon banters with a lot of other people. Sanghyuk, too.

The pancakes are actually decent. But even if they weren't, Sanghyuk knows he'd still eat them.

Because Hakyeon made them.

For him.

For them.

And that shouldn't make him feel as giddy as he does.

He finishes the pancakes, says they're good, and Hakyeon looks so proud it makes Sanghyuk's heart swell with joy.

Because he made Hakyeon look like that.

Like he was the happiest person in the world.

"So," Hakyeon says, "I was thinking of going to the park."

Hyuk blinks. Once. Twice.

"It is not a date," he says seriously, even if he really really wants it to be, oh dear God.

"Of course," Hakyeon says, nodding, "Wouldn't dream of it."

Okay. That hurt a bit more than necessary. Sanghyuk mentally grimaces, because- ouch.

"But why now?" he asks. It's a Saturday, for God's sake and there's nothing special about this morning.

"It's the perfect day to get out for some fresh air. Peaceful, with the flowers blooming so vividly, the water clear, the cream-coated buildings-"

"Hyung, we can't see colors, remember?"

Hakyeon waves a hand dismissively, "It's the thought that counts."

So they go out for a walk- and Sanghyuk finds it very refreshing, not that he'd admit that to Hakyeon. They go to the park, feed  the little duckies chunks of bread and get some ice cream.

"You've got- on your cheek- not there," Hakyeon says, as he points to the smudge of ice cream rebelliously surviving as Sanghyuk swipes at his cheek. "Oh, nevermind, stop that-"

He catches Sanghyuk's wrist and time stops. Sanghyuk's heart rate is suddenly very obvious, thank you very much, and he absently wonders how much the poor organ can take before it gives in and he gets cardiac arrest.

He slowly lowers Sanghyuk's hand, and he muses if Hakyeon can feel his pulse vibrating between their skin.

"I'll do it," Hakyeon says, and- like he's afraid Sanghyuk will crumble at the slightest touch- he gingerly wipes Sanghyuk's cheek with his thumb.

And if he feels Sanghyuk's skin beneath his fingers burn, he doesn't mention it.

"That's better," Hakyeon says. Sanghyuk's breath hitches.

Time still isn't moving.

But the sun is setting nonetheless, and Sanghyuk wants to laugh because it's so romantic but it just isn't.

"Sun's going down," Hakyeon notes, "You want to go back to the dorms?"

 _No,_ Sanghyuk thinks,  _I want to stay like this forever._

"Sure. We should go."

Hakyeon offers him a jacket because it's getting cold.

Sanghyuk says no, he's fine, he isn't cold at all.

But Hakyeon forced the jacket on him anyway.

Go figure.

*

_23:17 ; Saturday_

_Hey. Um._  
_I don't know if you'll even read this. But I'm gonna try anyway._  
_So... er..._  
_I need advice?_

Sanghyuk clicks  _Post_ before he can even think and once he regains the ability to think rationally, he groans at himself, dropping his face on the table.

He is such an idiot.

They've got thousands of followers and Sanghyuk is just one of them. A star burning brightly amidst a goddamn galaxy.

In layman's terms: he's nothing special.

He groans again, the melodramatic side of him moaning about making an absolute fool of himself.

Sanghyuk exits the browser and turns the laptop off, tries to sleep but  _can't_.

It's the next morning when he realizes that, oh right, he can just delete the stupid message and nobody will ever find out about it and he'd been too bloody stupid last night to think about it.

So he opens the webpage and he sees-

No notifications, thank God. There's a direct message, though, and from who he has no idea. Nobody ever bothers to DM him.

**_00:10 ; Sunday_ **

 

 ** _Hey. We read your post. :D_**  
**_We'll be really happy to help_** _._

  
_Holy shit,_ Sanghyuk thinks,  _Holy fucking shit-_

He lets out some sort of strangled cry, some mix between disbelief and ecstacy.

**_00:12 ; Sunday_ **

**_So what is it you're dealing with, right now?_ **

  
Sanghyuk starts writing out a reply, fingers fast and nimble as they tap on the screen. He's vaguely aware of the door creaking open and thudding shut, the sound of Hakyeon's footsteps getting nearer and nearer.

**_11:09 ; Sunday_ **

**_Let's talk about it tonight? 9?_ **

He hits  _Send_  without thinking-  _again_ \- and contemplates his life choices, because why does he have to be such a klutz about these types of things?

**_11:09 ; Sunday_ **

**_That is- if you want to._ **

**_11:10 ; Sunday_ **

**_I don't want to intrude._ **

Hakyeon pokes his head into the bedroom, "Have you eaten?"

"Er..."

Hakyeon frowns, "I told you to eat! You're still growing!"

Sanghyuk thinks it's cute and rather flattering, how worked up Hakyeon gets when it comes to him. He steps closer, til he's standing over Sanghyuk's bed, "Get up. I brought take out." He ruffles Sanghyuk's head affectionately and Sanghyuk feels butterflies in his stomach.

Sanghyuk follows him to the kitchen, and even when his phone buzzes with the promise of a message, he leaves it on the bed.

Sanghyuk straight up devours his meal. He can't help it. After all, he didn't have breakfast. Hakyeon just shakes his head at all this, albeit fondly, and he even reaches out to dab a piece of tissue on his lips to wipe away some sauce.

Sanghyuk's ears are burning.

"Try to be more dignified," Hakyeon grins. And Sanghyuk glares because Hakyeon was very much shovelling food in his mouth just thirty seconds ago.

They eat. They tell jokes. They laugh.

Sanghyuk falls deeper in love.

 

 He checks the blog later that day. There aren't any new messages and, God, what was he thinking, why would _they_ talk to someone like _him_ \--

 His phone dings.

**_21:02 ; Sunday_ **

**_Hey. :) -rabin_ **

 

 Later that day, they exchange Kakaos.

*****

"Ooh, who're you texting?" Jaehwan says, grinning, as he makes grabby hands for Sanghyuk's phone. Sanghyuk swats the annoying hands away.

 "Buzz off,"

 "Rude!" exclaims Jaehwan, "I am a _hyung_."

 "Then act like one!" Sanghyuk bites back, protecting his phone from the big bad Jaehwan.

 That's when Hakyeon decides to intervene, putting his own phone away after a phone call to... someone. "Kids, don't fight," he says, "What's going on?"

 "Hyukkie's been texting someone lately, hasn't he?" Jaehwan teases.

 Hyuk feels his face warm up, "Have not!"

 Hakyeon frowns thoughtfully, "Are you seeing someone?" he wonders, "You should've told me."

 Sanghyuk sputters because, _no,_ he doesn't even want to think about seeing someone that isn't Hakyeon, how could anyone even compare to Hakyeon--

 "I'm not seeing anyone," he clarifies, "I have too much stuff on my hands."

  _Like the fact that I'm in love with you._

"Oh," Hakyeon says, "You know, I wouldn't mind."

 "I know," Sanghyuk nods. "But really, I'm not."

 Jaehwan still looks at him curiously when he leaves the dorm.

*

 Sanghyuk is in a good mood.

 He'd aced his Physics test- given himself a pat on the back because, well, he thinks of it as an impressive feat. The mind-numbingly boring History teacher was absent and he had the period off, and he was texting the blogger couple steadily throughout the day.

 He feels so good, in fact, that he buys dinner for him and Hakyeon, even rents the movie Hakyeon was planning on watching, picks up banana milk and soda and ice cream, and skips all the way back to the dorm with his groceries and rented DVD and food. It's thirty minutes past 6 PM by the time he gets there, and Hakyeon is usually home this time of the day, but-

 The lights are strangely turned off.

 Sanghyuk frowns and sets the stuff on the kitchen table. It;s quiet, way too quiet.

 Then he hears sniffling.

 He tenses and makes his way to the bedroom-- where he sees Hakyeon on his bed, curled into a ball, sobbing. He all but runs over, instinctively wrapping arms around Hakyeon's trembling frame and asks, "Hyung-- what's wrong?"

 "Sanghyuk-- Hyukkie," Hakyeon's voice is so, so small, "-Am I annoying? Is my skin unattractive, is my voice terribly whiny and-"

 "Hyung, no," Hakyeon is _beautiful_ and why would he think this, he's nothing short of perfect- "What's wrong? You can tell me."

 "What if I'm a mistake, Hyukkie?"

 The arms around him tighten. "You're not," Sanghyuk says firmly, "You are not."

 Hakyeon shudders in his hold. Sanghyuk's sleeve is kind of wet.

 "I brought a movie," Sanghyuk says, "Let's go outside and watch, hm? Let's pig out on ice cream and fried chicken and popcorn, and you can have your banana milk."

 The senior looks up at him with glassy eyes, and Sanghyuk smiles.

*

 Hakyeon sets a ticket on Sanghyuk's desk. The latter looks up, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

 "It's my recital on Saturday," Hakyeon says, "So you better come."

 Sanghyuk wouldn't _dream_ of not coming.

 Saturday cannot come quickly enough. In the time it takes untl then, Sanghyuk has sent over a hundred text messages and freaked out a hundred times more. He's also visited Hakyeon in his dance studio a couple of times. Hakyeon refuses to dance in his presence, though, because it's a surprise.

 And then Saturday finally comes.

 And Hakyeon dances beautifully.

 Hakyeon's always been lithe and graceful, and his dance skills are no joke, but-- but what Sanghyuk is seeing right now is magnificent.

 It's almost like Hakyeon has melded with the music, shares with the rhythm his mind and body and soul.

 Hakyeon catches him later after the performance, asking if he did well, and Sanghyuk says, "Of course."

 "Be honest," Hakyeon pouts.

 "But I am honest!"

 Hakyeon takes him to a fancy restaurant in celebration. Jaehwan doesn't join them, though, having left shortly after the performance because of an art project. They talk animatedly. Well, Hakyeon talks animatedly. Sanghyuk just sits back and admires.

 A waiter takes their order. After that, they talk some more. The same waiter comes back, sets food on the table, and Hakyeon turns his pretty head to thank him.

 They make eye contact, and their eyes lock, and they widen.

 Sanghyuk freezes.

 It couldn't be-

 "Oh," says the waiter- Taekwoon, according to his nametag. He and Hakyeon can't seem to look away from each other. Sanghyuk feels like his insides are mush, and, "Oh," indeed.

 So this is what it feels like to have the world crash and burn around you.

 "Should I leave?" Sanghyuk says, and maybe Hakyeon's head snapped up in his direction, but he doesn't know because he doesn't stay long enough to see. And maybe Hakyeon calls out to him but his ears are ringing and he can't breathe-

 Sanghyuk runs.

  Everything is a blur and his heart feels like it's going to burst- and not the good kind of burst- and his feet seem to be temporarily unable to get tired--

 There's the glare of headlights-

 Something pulls him back. "Careful, there," says a voice he doesn't know, but when he turns it's a face he's seen on Instagram selcas and blog posts.

 Wide doe eyes, polite, confused smile giving way to deep-set dimples and-

 And everything explodes with color.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, the end was kinda I rushed, but this was sitting in my notebook for s o l o n g u g h.  
> but yeah, i tried my best.  
> so... penny for your thoughts? (and a dollar for your insights- okay i'll stop.)  
> bye~  
> nyx <3


End file.
